terms
haha that was a really funny spiral session earlierr. lets do it again. ok? yes.
if im being truly honest, i was acting on mere impulse with the previous two blog posts. i wasn't obscenely bawling my eyes out, hands trembling on my phone as i struggle to gasp for air LOL. i actually was genuinely shaking and my heart was racing but it was more of a different emotion? i'm not too sure, but it definitely wasnt sadness. maybe it was shock? expecting, like 'oh i knew it all along'? i've never been the best with coming to terms with my identity as a whole. i don't fully understand my emotions and its really weird honestly. i've only felt emotions on a stronger scale and this wasn't that. i mean, yeah i was disgruntled, but it wasn't enough to elicit a proper breakdown.? man what am i even saying
i don't know and this is why i'm so obsessed with making sure i conform to stereotypes so that i know what im feeling and can relate, creating a semblance of identity, no matter how superficial or in-the-moment it is. whenever i'm overcome with strong emotions, i make sure to amplify it tenfold so that i can feel even a smidge of identity and relate to the little posts that pop up on my phone. i don't even feel anything unless it really hits deep and targets my core feelings until i go onto tiktok (vomit) and watch videos on te situation, essentially telling me how i should be thinking. i tend to find safety and comfort in my sorrows, no matter how difficult it gets, as this is the only way i have built my identity, or what remains of it. i've been grieving, sorrowful for as long as i can remember, and it's gotten to a point where i just feel calm and at ease. i don't really know what this says about me, nor do i even know what to say about myself. i think i just feel and experience emotions on a whole different spectrum, but it really does upset me. i'd for one like to properly relate to something. maybe i'd be able to knoww what kind of person that makes me.
shine on everettelings